I’m . . . getting there

It’s been around a year since that first, that critical diagnosis. To generalize things, I am better. However, if I were to speak to my close friends, I’ll say : “I’m . . getting there.”

There are so many things I’m re-building after my psyche’s collapse.

One : My communication skill/s.
It’s not easy to communicate with people after you’ve just experienced something as strange as a psychological illness. It’s not easy because, like, you can see and feel so much more than the average person can, and it takes some time to make others understand you and this sickness you’re dealing with.

Two : Basic household skills
At the peak of my SP, I experienced stiffened muscles and lack of coordination of my joints. It was so difficult to function physically, to do simple tasks like dressing myself or taking a shower.

Three : My relationships
This is probably the most important aspect to re-build because without people who care for me, I might not be as healthy as I am right now. This illness steered me to enter a treatment center for the psychologically-impaired where I was forced to abandon most of my contact opportunities, and therefore, when I got out, I had to start from the basics again in building relationships with those people precious to me.

I’m getting there, my friends.

God bless.

Diary of an SP patient

Day One of the Year 2011

Today,  I’ve been hearing voices and seeing hallucinations. Again. This has been going on for about a month or so. I don’t know if I can cope with it for another month. It’s sucking the life out of me, like a leech.

The voices kept telling me to kill myself by sticking eletro cables into my nostrils. Also, they’d tell me to drown myself in the bathroom’s tub.

To them, I am a runaway convict and the authorities will come and get me.

I haven’t been eating nor have I been sleeping for the last few days, when the voices become so noisy and hallucinations pour down like raining cats and dogs.

I am afraid.

Day Two of the Year 2011

My limbs felt stiff. I couldn’t move properly, but this comes and goes, like the ebbing of waves. My limbs would sometimes feel normal, but other times, they’d feel stiff.

My dad noticed the difference, and he asked, “Why are you so stiff?” I couldn’t answer him. Even I don’t know why. I am afraid. Only writing soothes me from my fears and paranoia.

Day Three

It feels good to be with my own self, only me as my own company. I don’t have to feel fearful of interacting with people. I don’t have to endure their opinions of me, talking as if there’s something socially erroneous with me.

Maybe, they see me as a social outcast. I don’t care. I like being by my self.

Day Four

Today, I felt like the radio and the tele were talking to me. I felt scared but curious about it. The radio was luring me to sing along in a deadly game of, like, Jumanji, while the television was talking about a new era that has been created because of me. I felt I was a key personality in causing chaos to my environment.

A Perfect Picture

It was Mother’s Day,  and yet, he didn’t have his mother with him. She was already resting in peace (RIP).

He uploaded photos of him and his mother, with the hope that doing so will ease his pain of a motherless Mother’s Day.

The photo captured a perfect moment, once upon a time : his mother was sitting on the floor, wearing a dress, and she was accompanying a little bundle of life, whose wide eyes and innocent-looking face were staring back at the candid camera. That little bundle of life was him when he was just a baby.

The body language of his mother was clear : she loved him and thus was accompanying him during Play Time. She wasn’t a negligent mother who doesn’t care about the needs of her son. Instead, she was every bit concerned.

On to the present, the son was a grown man serving in the army. It hurt him that Mother couldn’t be with him and accompany him like she used to – whether it was Play Time or if it was Work Time.

Yet, in an aloof manner, she has left her marks on the mind of her dear child. She has left insights and epiphanies unmatched by any world-class speakers could ever make their marks on his mind. That was her Mother’s Day gift for him. An intangible yet invaluable treasure.

(A short real-life story based on one of my relatives)

Happy (Belated) Mother’s Day for my friends and family !

The Value of Consistency

What is the value of consistency ? How much is it worth ?

To me, consistency means sticking to one thing and continually doing that one thing, no matter the rain or the shine.

Consistency is very important for me. Wine that gets older, gets better. Any profession that we do, the more we practice it, the better we will get at it.

Consistency that’s not practiced is a lost time. We cannot achieve anything without consistency.

There are many excuses, however, for being inconsistent. Some are pardonable, some are not so. Whatever the excuse, if we are inconsistent, we will not reap our part of the harvest.

Thus, the value of consistency is tremendous.

Even the Bible talks about being consistent, except, the word used is “faithful” : “He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in much” (Luke 16:10, American KJV).

The Value of a Friend in a World Like This

Dear Friend,

I don’t know how much value I can give of you . I’ve had friends who’ve come and left my life, and they are countless .

I”ve shared my heart with them, and I don’t know where they’ve put those pieces of my heart, but I feel like – at this age of 23 – I’ve been EXHAUSTED .

Exhausted from casual exchanges, exhausted from friendly interactions, exhausted from heart-to-heart friendships .

And that’s where you came in . In the midst of my exhaustion .

And I . . I don’t know how much value I should give of you .  Your friendship is beautiful, but I am weary .

I’m sorry, my friend .

I don’t know  anymore,

I don’t know anymore . . .

Where Have You Been ?!

That’s a good question .

For the period that I’ve been absent, I haven’t been posting on this blog . For a serious reason, at that . The reason being this : that I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible and acute disease, whereby causing me to be unable to function normally within the society .

I got myself checked at a rehab at Pondok Indah, and I was there for a period of around seven months .Yes, the disease was that terrible and that serious .

Thus, I haven’t been posting on this blog for you audience to read, and I am sorry about the inconvenience . I sincerely hope you can still visit my blog and enjoy my writing, despite the time lapse .

Thank you again for bearing with me, and I wish you the best of health, just as I am healthy and fit today .

F.R.I.E.N.D.S., reality-wise

I found them not by accident, but what they have given me are invalluable .

Friends . They have taught me a lot . Taught me how to be strong, taught me how to be full of faith in God, and taught me how to live out the best of my life . Yes, they are invaluable for my life .

They taught me how to be strong : through their prayers and constant words of support, they taught me how to be strong .

They taught me how to be full of faith in God : through personal experiences that they have been sharing with me,  about walking with God and in God, they taught me how to have full faith in God .

Finally, they taught me how to live out th best of my life : from the courage they’ve given me and the wisdom they have shared with me, i learnt to live out the best of my life .

Money can’t buy ‘em . . because they are priceless !

On My Writing .. so far

Georgia_McBride : “even if I tried to write trendy…it would still turn out weird. I just can’t do “normal”…whatever that is.”

From #yalitchat on twitter

New Challenges

In all honesty, I hate people. I detest their mood swings and lack of predictability. I hate dealing with them.

Yet, I need to. It’s one of the things I have to deal with for my future. It’s one of the keys of my future. I’ve met people that tell me so and showed me so. So, I believe them.

However, how can I be loyal to the process ? Can’t this — dealing with people — be an easier challenge to face ? Like, a handbook would definitely make a significant difference, with this one.

Where should I start ? How should I do this ?

Hmm .. new seasons seem to be synonymous with new challenges ..

Repose

The suspension of new entries for this blog is the result of the writer’s apprehensive/critical question as such : should Writer be seeking campus authorities for permission to maintain a blog about the campus (activities/people/things)? 

Yep, no matter how lenient some Jakarta citizens may at times be about copyrights, patent laws and the sorts, I do declare to be against unauthorized publications (though, honestly, this might be a difficult cause to nurture, considering the ghastly magnitude of piracy which has spread and developed in this city).

Nonetheless, I will attempt to seek permission… because this is how I respect the rules =D

Meanwhile, please mind the repose. Thanks!